As I left the city where my origin story had transpired, I thought to myself there were people from where I was headed headed here, interestingly. I almost felt a tinge of pity for such an individual having to live in the windy city. but hey, nobodies making them they decided that for themselves obviously. especially coming from a place where everything shuts down at the sight of snow. good luck going to work in a horrendous, ass kicking blizzard wearing shorts and a t-shirt lolz. that’s how some local yokel’s dress on cold days here in NC.

well, somebody somewhere may find this to be amusing at the very least, informative, entertaining, whatever. the city is constantly cold, and the summers are a utter joke. its a brutal, harsh and Machiavellian place. the shitlib mafia are in complete control and have transformed the town into a perfect ATM. if they haven’t found a way to tax clean air by now I’d be surprised. if they had a tax for being corrupt parasites well the city wouldn’t be so broke right now.

things have certainly changed, especially after the plandemic.
violence, anarchy, chaos ensued more rampantly. anyways…

first things first: priorities.

1. get a gym membership, Xsport fitness is good it’s 24/7 + they have a pool that has more chlorine in it than actual water. work out at least x3/week, and do cardio x3/week too. for the learned + wise they’ll do every day of the week + have weekends off. though weekends is when all the hot ass goes for that hangover workout.
2. it might be a very solid investment in taking some sort of self defense course. I’d recommend Krav Maga. and maybe buy yourself a gun too if you have a nice crib. firstly, for physical conditioning, second to actually defend yourself and third you never know might meet some hunnies who want to get physical huhuhuhuh. in the words of Spike Spiegel: I just love a woman who can kick my own ass.
3. find + identify these things: 1. closest decent Thai restaurant 2. several different good grocery store(s). 3. local cafe besides Starbucks (good place to meet someone, fyi) 4. nearest liquor sto
4. befriend at least 1 neighbor, you don’t have to be in love with them. just be on good terms. you need some for reals.
5. go to el’cheapo movie theaters like Davis theater, Music Box, Brew + View.
6. find nearest library, get library card, hang out in library
7. if you want/need to meet some hot girls who are semi poor just hit a laundromat there’s lots of college babes who will go out on dates with u if you can afford it. they’re usually impressed if you know how to make Ramen, drive a car, clean your crib, work out your bod and cut a decent paycheck.
8. don’t go to the south-side or west side if you can help it.
9. don’t wander around at night unless you’re just dumb.
10. invest in thermal underwear, at least 3 different winter coats, gloves, long socks, scarf, hats, winter shit. if you don’t own a North Face or Patagonia you’re a tourist. although most Chicagoans walk around sometimes practically nekked just to look good/cool lolz.
11. as far as chicks go, if they dress like they shopped every piece they have on in a separate store and have a very confused fashion sense avoid those. they’re from MI, WI, IN, or Iowa (ewwww) and trying too hard to be all city.
12. avoid red line if you can, ride Metra/brn/blue line. you should be able to walk 20K+ steps/day easily.
13. don’t eat at California Pizza kitchen, Domino’s, Little Caesar’s those are serial killer pizzeria’s.
14. lakefront is where all the hot ass hangs out mostly during most summers
15. do go to the lights festival in Nov, the air + water show, and the Art Institute of Chiraq x2/month.
16. best date place: Tango Sur on Southport + Grace.
17. best club (from last time I lived there): Smart Bar.
18. best bar: Ten Cat or the Gingerman.